A Life More Ordinary

To say that things were frosty at work after this latest discovery (see previous update, Road to Nowhere) was an understatement. Not only was I still public enemy number one given what had happened with Sarah, but I now had no idea where I stood with Amanda. I didn’t object to the fact that she didn’t want a ‘relationship’, but I certainly wasn’t keen on just being a backup for when her ‘ex’-boyfriend wasn’t around. As for walking past my home with him…careless or cruel? I was undecided.

Eventually we talked and slowly repaired whatever it was that we had between us and while it was difficult it didn’t take long for the spark to reignite and we continued to spend time together while not officially being together, which was confusing to me given the strength and nature of our apparent feelings towards each other. It’s hard to understand what her motivation was and as I think about this for the first time in many years, I wonder if there were things going on that I was oblivious to. Certainly the ending to this particular saga would suggest so. Perhaps she just wanted to enjoy herself without getting tied down, she was a year or so younger than me and I clearly had what was bordering on an entire airport terminal full of baggage. Whatever the reason, it was, to quote Heinz Doofenshmirtz from the Phineas and Ferb episode ‘Brain Drain’, a strange set of circumstances.

The other complication in my life at that time was partly of my own making and I would go on to learn a valuable lesson in playing my cards close to my chest, something that I’ve always struggled with. I’d sent some of my writing off to numerous publishers and while most had written back to politely decline my inexperienced scribblings, a couple had shown a little tentative interest, which caused me great excitement. I shared this news with a few friends and in the blink of an eye, the story snowballed out of control, becoming far more than it ever was. Sadly, I possessed neither the skills nor the maturity to orchestrate an exit so I ended up trapped in a ‘Mr Maddens-style situation’ in the first Nativity movie. It was excruciating and embarrassing and went on far longer than it should have, but at the same time, I was suddenly a little more ‘popular’ than I had ever been and as someone who had been starved of adulation of any sort, I was reluctant to let go of my newly found social standing.

There were so many awkward conversations and the longer the whole farce went on, the more convinced I was that people must have been perilously close to working out what had happened. I felt like Hugh Grant, in that glorious scene from Notting Hill where he pretends to be from Horse and Hound magazine and finds himself having to conduct celebrity interviews with Hollywood’s great and good. Obviously my torment was on a much smaller scale, but it was equally cringe-inducing and even now the memory of it will shoot a thirty-plus-year old surge of embarrassment through my system!

But once again, I digress.

Despite Amanda’s reservations, we grew closer again and our physical relationship continued to develop. A few months later things reached the point of no return. Or so I thought.

We’d always been respectful of the fact that I was living in someone else’s house, so when we were together at ‘home’, we would spend time in the dining room and not go upstairs to my room. Our relationship was by no means based entirely on physical attraction, I’d like to think that there was a genuine intellectual connection between us too. Our conversations were often varied and those exchanges were as important to me as any other part of our non-relationship. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that was a huge part of the attraction, the ability that we shared to connect in a way that was more than just physical. That meant a lot to someone who came out of Devonport High School with two ‘decent’ grade GCSEs, dropped out of college on the first day due to crippling insecurity and self-doubt and never went to university.

Whether Anita and Adam would have objected to us seeking more privacy, I have no idea, but I felt it best not to test the waters. Instead, we would be left alone together in relative quiet and during the course of an evening things would often become…heated, shall we say?

On the night in question, the lights were low and the curtains drawn and as I’m sure you can imagine, things progressed further than they had before. Without going into detail, I can honestly say that up to that point, it was the most incredible experience of my life. As we lay in each other’s arms, basking in the warm glow of mutual satisfaction, raining small kisses down upon each other, I felt more connected to anyone than I ever had. I felt understood and I felt loved. Completely.

As the ecstasy subsided, Amanda looked into my eyes and said that she was ready to have a proper relationship. All of the cliches that you read about in books and see in the movies came true. I’m pretty sure that somewhere in Horsham fireworks went off and the stars shone in the sky purely for the two of us. Songbirds warbled and somewhere, Cupid sat back, satisfied with a job well done. Life, it seemed, was finally working out for me.

At the risk of sounding like one of the comical reader’s letters printed in Viz, imagine my surprise when I found out the following day that she was indeed ready to have a relationship, but not with me. Instead, it transpired that there was someone who she was at college with who was the lucky guy.

I’m not ashamed to admit that it broke me, a third betrayal, and while some might say it was deserved given the circumstances of our initial fling (and again, I concede that they may have a point), for some time I couldn’t see a way of coming back from it. All hope had been snuffed out and this felt like the cruellest betrayal of all. She’d given me hope, totally played me and then delivered the killing blow when I was at my most vulnerable. In less than twenty-four hours, it was all over.

Alone again. Naturally.